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My Bizzare Love of Dead Roses [entries|friends|calendar]

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[ mood | bored ]

Hehe i was checking to see if this still existed. I'm bored and sitting around at college, i skipped my first hour my laziness is amazing lol.

[ 1 ] [ just a faerie ]

w [Thursday
So i was just doing an assesment of my life and i realized how incredibly shitty it is right now. So before i left for my road trip i found out there is no housing availible at Colombia and thus i can't go meaning i'm stuck. I'm stuck here.... oh God i need to go...but yeah that really sucks you know, but i run into Bruce (manager at NorthStar) and i tell him what happened and he offered me my job back and said he'd hold the spot for a week, so i was like ok at least i'll have a job you know. but then i call in today and they didn't hold the spot, so i' job less, but ok whatever, it'd probably be better to start some where else any way. What's honestly truely ripping me apart though is Wes leaves for college tomorrow. I..I don't know what i'm going to do, he's the only thing holding me together and he's leaving. For a year and a half straight he's going to be gone and i'm stuck...Stuck here...I'm going to miss him so much, i dunno even know to explain it my heart is breaking. He's my best friend, lover and soul mate. I'm going to be less then human with out him. i always thought girls who were like i am now were pathetic but i didn't ever love someone this much and lose them. Ok think of your best friend...now think of them dying, they are gone, dead, you are never going to see or talk to them again..do you feel that sinking in your stomache, and the urge to cry? that how i feel, i feel like he's dying and i know he's not i can still talk to him everyday on the phone, but i'm going to miss his hugs, his kisss, the way i can be a complete wierdo with him and he dosn't mind, his dimples when he smiles, the way he looks at me, his arms around me when i sleep, his heart beat under my ear, the random tickle fights, the things he dos just to make me laugh, his smell and so much more. He gets me though all the hard stuff, he protects me, he makes me` want to be a better person just for him.. Its undescribable, I just love him. I'm going to be broken without him. everthing is falling apart I wish i could rewind to October get all my college stuff set then, and just have those nine months with Wes again. One thing is for sure ater his 18 months of college i'm never letting him go again.

Ok so it's a little later now i wen to see my little bro in a play and Jack and Ross were there. Just talking to them made me feel a little better. In the words of The Beatles "I get by with a little help from my friends"
p.s. oh and things arn't all bad i just got back from a road trip wih Wes we went to Nigra Falls and back it was funfunfun
p.p.s. on the down side his family is throwing hate and evil thoughts from every direction at me
p.p.p.s. You know whaty i'm really going to miss him cooking for me, like his chocolate chocolate chip pancakes hes so cute cooking
[ just a faerie ]

Lights, Camera, Action! [Wednesday
[ mood | bouncy ]

So tonight i went and saw Harry Potter all by myself, Wes and i were going to see it last night but to my utter shock it sold out at North Star leaving us shit out of luck. So i decided to see it on my own today because Wes had to get some work done on his truck, but anyways I'm sitting there content as can be, but the entire movie i wanted to cry, it was just so beautiful (i know wierd), but then I realize that i've felt like this with every movie i've watched recently. I just love them. I love the movies! I love how every little intricate detail comes together to make this huge master piece for America's viewing pleasure. Now as i realize my love of the movies i start wishing i could be involved, and i think "Well why the hell not?". Ok i don't have much experience with filming stuff but i have acting experience, directing experience, and i work at a freaking movie theater. so i got home and started researching film directing and what it takes to become one, and i really want to do it. I dunno since freshman year i've wanted to be a drama teacher, but for some reason this seems so much more fitting than that, i dunno maybe its just the excitement, but i'm seriously considering it. Seeing that i'm going to community college for a year I've got time to make up my mind, but i have been accepted to Columbia which has a really good film program. Hmm i dunno its just all my random little thoughts on the matter.
So 28 days before i move to Indianapolis I'm pretty geeked i don't definantly have an apartment yet but i found a complex i really like and i can make it as long as i make $7 an hour and work 26 hours a week (if you do the math i included groceries, utilities, gas and such). i'm so close to starting a new life its kind of nerve wracking. Like i put my 2 weeks in at Northstar and my stomach dropped. That place is all i've known for the past year its just kinda crazy. i saw all my friends at a bonfire the other day and it made me so sad to know that we're all splitting up. What am i going to do without Ross and Jackie? I dunno, and like Robin, Katie and Chel have been my friends since oh God like 3rd grade. Even Troy and i have a bit of history though we wern't close till this year. And then My hippie, Nikki, Theresa, Jeff, Audrey, and all those underclassmen i just never took the time to know them till this year and they are such beautiful people, i'm so sad i missed the oppurtunity to be friends with them longer. All of my friends, God I'm blessed to have them in my life. I hope all of you realize how truely remarkable you are, and how much i love you. know that where ever you go in life you'll always be carrying a bit of Logan Love with you (hehe it sounds like a drug, "hey want some Double L a.k.a. Logan Love"). I truely do Love you all!

[ 3 ] [ just a faerie ]

[ mood | apathetic ]

Hmmm i'm sleepy, i bought hair dye i'm thinking maybe i'll go red for a little while, i dunno, i don't care. Oh great news i was accepted at Columbia, its an amazing arts school, so that makes 2 places i can go next year, i'm just happy i don't have to stay here, i just have to choose which school to go to.

[ 1 ] [ just a faerie ]

[ mood | distressed ]

Ok i'm kinda scared, conferences are tonight (and yes my parents still go to conferences) and my grade in government isn't too hot. I'm just scared their going to take my car away (its my only source of freedom), or their going to not let me hang out with Wes. I won't take that! I just won't! I know it seems like i'm throwing a hissy fit but you have to understand my car gives me my only sanctuary of alone time, i can go anywhere in it and do about anything, and then Wes...Sometimes i think hes the only thing holding me together this year, other than that its just my family, school, and work. All three of which exhaust me, my car and Wes are the two things which keep me sane, and bring me happiness. Not only may i not be able to hang out with Wes, i wouldn't get to hang out with any of my friends. I'll lose all my freedom at the end of my senior year, which is where freedom is supposed to start. I hope i don't sound like a whiny little bitch i'm just stressed, really really really stressed

[ just a faerie ]

[ mood | crazy ]

Lol i went to nates B-day party yeasterday it was so much fun. Alyssa, Chel and i rocked i out with freshmen guys go us! Oh and i got a love letter from an 8 year old whos cool? me (jk) well i love ya all!

[ 1 ] [ just a faerie ]

Color guard rocks my world! [Saturday
[ mood | weird ]

So the winter guard performance was spectacular! i mean it!!! I was so pumped and proud, i seriously think last night was the highlight of my entire year. It was just great beyond words. God i love Guard and acting so much i'm so thankful to have them in my life, sometimes they are the only things that pull my through. Andrew came to see our performance which was awesome in itself but he brought a friend of his too. She was so cool her name was Megan and shes in guard too, i had fun talking to her i think it would be bitchin' to get together and exchange guard moves. God i'm a band geek, but at least i'm happy being one! lol love you all lots!

[ 6 ] [ just a faerie ]

[ mood | bloody ]

Is it wierd if i get excited when i bleed? I'm waiting for my mom and talking to Rob and all the sudden i see reddish-brownish spots on my knee, and i relize hey my hand feels wet so i look and theres scarlet running all over my hand, and for some reason i was really happy about it. i didn't want to wipe the blood away or to stop bleeding, i loved the blood. It was wierd.

[ 3 ] [ just a faerie ]

[ mood | indifferent ]

So the dance freakin rocked! I danced the night away, and head banged my head off although i think i'm going to regret it later though. i wish i had someone, i hated watching all those couples. Yeah Jared's lame! Alex was there, So was Amanda and he just couldn't bother to come, but he said he'd hang out with me so whatever, trying not to hope...failing miserably... But any who now I'm at Alyssa's with sara and Alyssa (duh), Have exciting plans for tomorrow, were going to a gay bar hehehe. I've had a monster energy drink all paranoid about wacking out my system but i'm not like flying i'm just here and me, hmm i'm at a lack of things to type. just the dance was fun, the music wasn't to bad, and i wish Jared would have been there.all done. love you all!

[ 2 ] [ just a faerie ]

[ mood | Bring it on Bitch ]

so i came to a sudden revelation today! After advisory i was pretty upset because once again Brett tore away at the very things i love to slowly rip me apart. I always believed before that he truly was trying to help me with guys but today when he attacked guard and acting he went to far!! i live breath and exist for acting and guard this year, they are two of the few things that makes each day worth struggling through, when you attack them you attack my soul. He was trying to hurt me, to stomp me into nothing! So after band, since i was upset i pulled out my flag and spun it around a bit just to get some emotion out and as i start to feel better i realize "Hey guess who hurt me today some one i considered a friend. Guess whats making me feel better my flag. So answer me this who is the better friend the inanimate object which is always there to make me feel better or the breathing living thing that breaks my heart and brings me down? The answer is me flag, i was fighting so hard to keep Brett as my friend and i'm getting hurt in the process, so Fuck you Brett! If you want to be friends stop acting like a prick get of your throne and act like a friend! Untill then i'll choose color guard or acting over you any day!
Wow i feel empowered! I miss everything about last year, but true friends have stuck with me through my struggles, and false ones just contribute to my slow drowning, i'm cutting the false ones away like the cancer they are. They probably won't care but maybe one day they'll look back and regret what they did, if not i don't care i just want them away from me! i'm moving on, this would be so much easier if i was out of high school, but alas i must deal with all the drama and shit that goes on, so i'll just grab my flag and spin through it all, till in the words of Satine from Moulin Rouge "One day I'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday..."

[ 2 ] [ just a faerie ]

Masks [Friday
[ mood | lonely ]

"Inside my heart is breaking,
My makeup may be flaking,
But my smile still stays on!"
(Moulin Rouge)

[ 2 ] [ just a faerie ]

[ mood | blah ]

Ugg my computer screen sucks!!!
Ok good stuff in my life is i got the part in the musical i got called back for so thats bitchin'. and our swing dance instructor for W. Guard in really hot!! i gut to dance with him when Ross left EEEEEEE! Umm yeah i guess thats the extent of jolliness in my life.
Now for the sucky stuff in my life, history repeats itself in more intense ways. this is like my freshman year repeating again, i like ... a guy i get discouraged ,but i persist and then the exact same girl from freshman year gets him. and i'm like WTF i don't get it i just need to let go he graduates in less then a year then i'll never have to see him or deal with any of that again. *sigh* at least i never had to make decision Fate made it for me. i'm so sick of being alone.

[ 2 ] [ just a faerie ]

[ mood | EEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! ]

Today was another bitchin' day. Just to proove the bitchingness here's an ex. we had a cardio day but by some mirical my hair looked good after, and my makeup stayed on perfect! Me and Alyssa's non Lesbo-date was so much fun, I even got my coffee free because i rolled a 7 on their dice (my D&D skills kicking in)! Then me and Alyssa went dollar store hopping again and bought princess crowns. I Am The Sugar Princess!!! Things went good in other areas too! Then i had call backs and i have a pretty good vibe about it! It was just a spectacular day! apparently all the wishing on stars and eye lashes are finally kicking in! EEEE! girly sqeal God even now on IM things are just! EEEEE! sorry, EEE!

[ 3 ] [ just a faerie ]

[ mood | bouncy ]

so i fianally had a pretty good day. i got called back! i'm so pumped I've never gotten call backs for the musical, i'm just glad i don't have to sing for the part I got call backs on! i dunno i wasn'rt to keen on auditions when i had to sing but now that i don't i'm super pumped! things went good in other area's to, i dunno it was just a good day!
Oh Mi Gosh yesterday it was so funny we had a halfday and so since sara cancled on tea Alyssa and i went and got AW and then went to Goodwill where i saw Zach blah he bothers me i'll never forgive him for what he did to Jack. but after that we went to a dollar store and took pictures it was so funny
i'll try to get them on here soon well G2G!

[ 2 ] [ just a faerie ]

[ mood | cold ]

Today was pretty dull, Jared and I had talked about hanging out. he said he'd call me when he got back from the mall, but i wasn't really expecting much. Still i'm lame enough to keep the phone near all day and jump every time it rang. i dunno why i was so pumped about hanging out with him, i'm mean yeah hes cute and cool, and i'm trying to forget about... someone else ,but still why did i let myself even have a glimmer of hope, even if we had hung out he would have seen it as just budship nothing else, and then i would have tortured myself coming up with tons of romantic notions only to be let down later. *sigh* yeah i know i'm lame, i'm just tired of being alone... i know there are probably some who would read this and get all bitchy but to those people get the fuck over it!!! I'm sorry but i'm tired of being guarded because of like one person and they hate me even though i changed to be there friend, i've had it with dumb ass people! i've had it with being alone! i've had it with hope! i've had it with waiting by the phone!! just fuck it!!!
I'm sorry i guess i know there are people out there who will care and understand, and there are people who won't and they will get mad. Or i'll get a bunch of bad advice, and consolation, and thats not what i want, i don't want pity or any thing like that. i just want a lot of things...... i won't complain anymore i'm sorry... you know i just realized i can't write a short entree they all stretch on for ages, so i'll try to wrap this one up, *blows kiss* see ya all soon!
P.S. D and D tomorrow super thrilled!

[ 4 ] [ just a faerie ]

[ mood | relieved ]

O.k. so Its been a while since i updated. with the guy i mentioned in my last entry i pulled the totally nerdy move of asking him if he wanted to get together and study for philosophy (the only class i have with him), He said he was already studying with some one but i could join and if he saw me on IM he'd give me the info. It wasn't good but not bad either, the studying really wasn't the point lol, oh well. i dunno any more.
Alyssa i'm so sorry that i've been acting so wierd, next time before i get all wiggy i'll talk to you. You are one of my best friends and i love you to death! Oh and Greg thanks for just listening and putting up with me and my possessed little brother. Justin thanks for just caring when i felt like no one in the world did.
Ok now that i've gotten that all out of the way my update on today is *triumphant music* Our D and D group met, it was kinda chaotic i think Greg was about to kill us for talking. Umm i got my hair trimmed and i dyed it. and that was the extent of today. Well see you tomarrow at exams! i love you all!
1st Winter guard meeting with guys on Wensday!!!!! SO EXCITED!!

[ 3 ] [ just a faerie ]

[ mood | contemplative ]

i dunno things are going ok in my life. i'm pumped because W. guard is pulling together beautifully, We have 9 guys!! 9 GUYS!! and we are swing dancing! its going to be so awesome and such a blast! thats one good thing! another is I think things may finally happen between me and the guy i like. not because hes shown an overwhelming interest or anything but because i'm gonna get some guts and ask him to hang out. right now i'm kind of caught in suspension i like him too much to have anything happen with anyone else, but i'm to scared of being rejected to just act upon anything, but time is trickling away and So its now or never. at least if i get rejected then i can get over it and move on, but if i'm not and something happens I'll be so happy it would make up for all the bad shit. i dunno somethings are just off in my life, so either tomorrow is gonna suck or rock. Oh god i hope everything goes ok.

[ 4 ] [ just a faerie ]

[ mood | drained ]

this week has kinda sucked, i've been so dead. i'm happy though justin and i talked today, i dunno i guess i get paranoid about people ditching me or replaceing me.. and i was pretty bummed because i was afraid it was happening between me and him. i guess today just ment a lot because i relized Justin will never do that to me. i guess thats what makes a true friend, they love you through your annoyingness and mistakes. i dunno, this week alot of things have become a little clearer i think its because i'm tired. i tend to become more analytical and nostalgic. Mr.Heeres has taught me so much this year. about life, history, politics, love, and myself. i have to say some of its been painful, its made me re-evaluate some of my life i didn't want to think about. monsters in my closet... i dunno i think i'm getting to the stage in my tiredness where i start getting moody (its not P.M.S. i swear), some people have been grating on my nerves even though i know i love them deep down, and in philosophy i almost started crying during the movie we were watching, but man it was a sad movie. it just touched down on some of my deepest fears, not death but leaving people behind and people leaving me behind.... and now i'm back to the beginning of my entry, my head is spinning so many thoughts, so many worrys, so many dreams, so many hopes, so much pain...i'm getting so weary of life, i feel tired and old, i just don't know any more... well i guess i'm going to end this.
oh one last thing thanks Justin

[ 2 ] [ just a faerie ]

[ mood | chipper ]

So i'm over at chels so thats freaking sweet! Oh so from like friday to this day has rocked!
Friday: the Twins came over and that was fun, maybe next time i'll get a bit of a lone time with chris. then later Jackie and justin came over and they signed my wall, i tortures them with Green Day and Jackie cheated at Clue.
Saturday: Had a family party then Alyssa came over and brought in the New Year with me.
Sunday: Woke up next to Alyssa (I'm not a lesbian i swear) and later we had a surprise 90th birthday party for my great grandma and i got to meet family i'd never met before, it was so awesome, i met my cousin Jimmy hes 19 and ok this is gonna sound like red-neckish but he was really cute! i got his SN so i finally have a cousin close to my age. i also saw my gay cousin Tommy again, i love him to death he is so funny, hes just so flamboyant and dramatic its awesome. I also think i really creeped out my cousin David hes like this military guy and i don't think he was able to figure me out, first he tried intimidating my by staring me down, then later he was talking and i was staring at him and he started getting really twitchy and like glancing at me out of the corner of his eye, and he got this strange distressed smile on his face. it was kind of funny but i guess i didn't disturb him that much because he hugged me before he left.
Monday: i've almost conquered death and have wiped out the rest of the tribes and now i'm at chels!
We'll see you all tomorrow! lots of love and Kisses!

[ 2 ] [ just a faerie ]

[ mood | nerdy ]

Wanna know the funniest thing i had his SN wrong the entire time! Meh life gotta love it!.
i had a last minute babysitting gig so i finally have some money yes!!! it was funny to distract the little girl i was practically begging her to watch Barney lol yeah thats right i was begging a 2 year old to watch Barney ,but hey while she was absorbed in that i got to watch Shallow Hal, so my begging paid off. i also built a huge blanket fort for the little boys it streched out over the entire living room, they loved it so my mission to be a good baby sitter was complete!
The Johnson twins are in town and tomarrow chris and i are gonna hang out so thats bitchin. i had to clean to have him come over so i hope he appreciates how much i love him lol.
well i g2g so i hope to see you all soon lots of hugs and kisses!

[ 1 ] [ just a faerie ]

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